This theme for this series is: Paint it black; because there comes a time when we must burn everything down. Even the excuses
2. “If I go to the
gym, they’ll know...”
The worst part
about figuring out your sexuality is a). everyone has an opinion, everyone
“knows” what you are/should be doing and b). you have no clue what this means
and you KNOW... beyond the shadow of a doubt that everyone knows or will soon know that you had a secret.
Long ago, in a galaxy
far far away [the 70’s], the oracle in my life had the best gay friends [... in
life]. So she knows the body of a gay man; she knows the signs. I’d say she’s
rarely wrong. Now if she knows this, who else knows of these… markers? God! If
I go to the gym and tone out, will everyone know for sure? I mean I take enough
androgynous pictures as it is, will a good body just confirm it? You don’t know
the private terror wrapped in the asininity of the thought. I eventually did go
to the gym. I felt good there; can’t believe I did that to myself all these
years. Granted, I’ve missed a few good months but I’ll be back [yes, yes I AM gong back.
Sheesh] because I’m doing this for my health. For me. Don’t let you box yourself in with negative imaginings.
Next: “I don’t want to
hurt them...”
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