Me Tarzan. You burn it all down [prt 2]

This theme for this series is: Paint it black; because there comes a time when we must burn everything down. Even the excuses

2. “If I go to the gym, they’ll know...”

The worst part about figuring out your sexuality is a). everyone has an opinion, everyone “knows” what you are/should be doing and b). you have no clue what this means and you KNOW... beyond the shadow of a doubt that everyone knows or will soon know that you had a secret.

Long ago, in a galaxy far far away [the 70’s], the oracle in my life had the best gay friends [... in life]. So she knows the body of a gay man; she knows the signs. I’d say she’s rarely wrong. Now if she knows this, who else knows of these… markers? God! If I go to the gym and tone out, will everyone know for sure? I mean I take enough androgynous pictures as it is, will a good body just confirm it? You don’t know the private terror wrapped in the asininity of the thought. I eventually did go to the gym. I felt good there; can’t believe I did that to myself all these years. Granted, I’ve missed a few good months but I’ll be back [yes, yes I AM gong back. Sheesh] because I’m doing this for my health. For me. Don’t let you box yourself in with negative imaginings.

Next: “I don’t want to hurt them...”

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Me Tarzan. You List

--> I’ve been listening to SKYFALL since the radio edit dropped on Thursday. It tore through me indeed. But somewhere around Friday evening [maybe earlier], I realised that while most people were loving the song for it’s Adele/Bond value, for me it was an actual plea to Heaven. "Please, let the sky fall already." I had had enough. I wrote a short piece for my [name: classified] project and while doing so, I asked myself, “what would it take to make you happy?”. I wrote it on my phone.. Here now is the list. What would it take to make you happy? 1. ACTUALLY seeing God I remember, the days leading up to the surgery thinking, what would happen if i went under and had some kind of Divine Visitation? What then? If I sat down to it, I can almost rationalise every faith experience. Almost. I think about how many times I was supposed to be dead - literally - and I think, it had to be God. Of ...

Me Tarzan. You Life Lessons.

Übermensch! Übermensch! Da-da-da-da-da-da Übermensch! --> I started reading up on Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche again. He has always fascinated me. He had two main statements that jerked me. 1). That of the Ubermensch – commonly known as the superior man or the superman and 2). The whole “death of God” concept – which even as I type this feels so… unright [I should say wrong but humor me]. It’s like incest I would think – the death of God? And not even in the supremely messianic portrayal seen every Easter, no this was more like getting rid of Him completely. With all my faults, even that seems too much. But then a friend of mine gave me a brief logic a few years ago and I could see a glimmer of a gem in a jewel box, wrapped in an oil cloth. The point was made that, Nietzsche advo...

Me Tarzan, You Save Me

Ah, Smallville. Ah, Remy Zero! You say the best things. "How to save the world in five (5) minutes? Die. It dawns on me that both religiously and ordinarily, when someone dies... People change. U could try to change people all you want but it's in death that they realise - he, she stood for something. And they change. Funny. Pax" - Text to a brother: July 20th, 2012; 6:19pm * I used to live in fear of the phone ringing. There was a time when the phone would ring and i would wonder if this was the day that my heart would be broken? Would i hear the news that a loved one [friend/family] has died? Was it a car crash? Please God, don't let evil or sad/tragic intent be on the other end of the phone. I haven't felt that way for a while, till las...

Me Tarzan

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