Skip to main content

Look, I Just Don't Know [right now]

i sometimes find myself at fault with my own Christianity. i wish i was more Christian. like [some of] my brothers. and sisters. this sure, unshakeable, bullish faith or belief or ... something. 


this was they can hear the word "gay" and a righteous flaming sword can come from their hands. and that's just one topic. sometimes i wish i could be like that about any number of "worldly" issues. but, call it empathy, call it understanding, call it a living reality ... whatever it is, i cannot ... will not be as bullish as they are about certain subjects. and it worries me sometimes. sometimes ... when i want to yell at them, "THIS IS NOT THE WAY YOU INFANTILE .... GRRRRR!" but then i may be the infantile one; screaming at everything; harbouring a rage that won't leave. hoping that the fire doesn't find me. it surely won't find them. .... i wish i was like them. 


i like my God. i believe in my God. His people? not so much. which is not to say that i believe in or love other people more - i don't understand half [or maybe a little less than half] of what "the world" says and does ... but i strive TO understand. what happens is that i find myself wanting to fight for a minority. any minority. and it's usually about a topic my Christians have a firm stance on and i'm like, "Well ... actually".  it's hilarious. i used to think i was meant to be a bridge. HA! The Bible itself says there's only one bridge between God and man and that's the Man, Christ Jesus. but me? i wanted to be a bridge. help the theists understand evolution; help the world understand why Christians evangelise so much. what i HAVE FOUND is that everyone annoys me and won't walk across a bridge even if someone lays down for them. they're just obstinate. bullish. you're wrong and YOU'RE. WRONG. and i wonder what it's all about. why couldn't i be like them? why AREN'T i like them? should i fast more? i should fast more. i did a week of fasting for no real reason; just lentils and bread late at night. maybe water during the day. i felt better. lost this belly too. .... i have the belly again. big, fat and ridiculously pondering why i'm not. them. .... i should fast more. "this has gone on long enough" my mind says. so i'll stop typing now. there is no moral [morale?] to this post. i just ... i just don't know. as the days march closer to eternity, i just don't know. of me. of them. of any of it. .... or maybe i just need to eat.


tracy j Hutchings. may 29th. 2022

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Me Tarzan. You List

--> I’ve been listening to SKYFALL since the radio edit dropped on Thursday. It tore through me indeed. But somewhere around Friday evening [maybe earlier], I realised that while most people were loving the song for it’s Adele/Bond value, for me it was an actual plea to Heaven. "Please, let the sky fall already." I had had enough. I wrote a short piece for my [name: classified] project and while doing so, I asked myself, “what would it take to make you happy?”. I wrote it on my phone.. Here now is the list. What would it take to make you happy? 1.               ACTUALLY seeing God I remember, the days leading up to the surgery thinking, what would happen if i went under and had some kind of Divine Visitation? What then? If I sat down to it, I can almost rationalise every faith experience. Almost. I think about how many times I was supposed to be dead - literally - and I think, it had to be God. Of ...
3 comments
Read more

Me Tarzan. You 2025

I don't know if you're watching. I don't know if you care. I certainly don't know if blogs are sexy anymore but ... here we are. It is March, 2025, and like Carrie Bradshaw, I too don't fully know what I'm doing. Which is hilarious when I look back on my old posts and still didn't know what I was doing. This is and election year in my country. I have a lot to say. Maybe even videos to produce ... but I also have nothing to say. It is 2025 and I am apparently 43 and I've appropriated that one song to say, "nobody likes you when you're 43" because ... really.  [hums to self: "the state looks down on sodomy" hahaha. ah that song was good, wasn't it?" I didn't intend to come here now with word vomit; probably later I'll have something actual to say. Probably I'll exchange procrastination with discipline and RESUME my bloglike ways because it used to be FUN. Circumstances... not so much, but blogging? Yes. Anyways,...
Post a Comment
Read more

Me Tarzan. You Preacher Politics

                                  Valley of Decision by Christafari. Appropriate me thinks. On the night before the American election, while walking towards the taxi-stand, I became depressed by religion in politics. Actually, I became depressed by the thought of RACE in RELIGION but since that flowed into the political stream, one can say that I was sorely depressed all the way around. Here’s why: A prominent “Father of the Faith” so to speak, sat down with Mitt Romney. Now, tradition has shown that he’s the kind of guy that Presidents and Presidential hopefuls go to at some point in their careers, so it should come as no surprise that Master Mitt and the “Father” wold meet. It is said, that after meeting with him, though he didn’t give an all out public endorsement as other members of his family seem to have, he did advise the [Christian] public to vote according to Biblical Views/Beliefs....
2 comments
Read more