Me Tarzan. You Mourn

What, I'm a writer. I'm always melodramatic. And i'm putting this 

post out because, maybe it will help somebody. That's me, all about helping...

“If you need some time and space to brood i'll understand.”

I laughed. As I said to him, I’m Dr. Fate with a Green Lantern Fetish  - I don’t brood. This of course [now that I think of it] is a lie. I DO brood. Massively so. But as lightbearer, I smile and get over life’s little hilarities. Like the fact that after nearly a year of secretly crushing, I finally told him the truth and he doesn’t feel the same way. Yes, him. What.

Now before you “aww” and all that shit, bear in mind this was EXACTLY the outcome I prepped for. I was worried about too many things – like the fact that the Church people have gossiped enough about my mom and my family [if you think the world is hilarous, spend some time with the “Good People”]… I was worried that “people” would be right after all. And I grant you, the idea of telling him [finally] may be selfish on my part as – for better or worse – I needed my mental space back [the spurgeon general advises that liking ANYBODY is not good for one’s health]. I planned for this outcome. I wanted this outcome… so no, there will be no brooding.

Except. I mourn the loss of an idea.

And at 1pm [or a little after], I just… broke down. iChuckle. I had the presence of mind to look at the microwave clock. Why though? This was what I wanted right? I hoped that maybe he had somebody or my logic would be justified… somehow. I did. Yet here I was in tears. Similar to the time I saw a headline in one of the dailies that alluded to the fact that gay rights were now being considered as part of the draft [gender] policy– I almost bawled my eyes out in the supermarket that day.

I’ve said it a hundred times, life is not a CW program. But back to the matter at hand, mourning. How do I tell you of this?

“If you need space to brood…” 

Years ago I met the perfect girl. And the fact that we’re not together PROVES that there is no such thing. Twice I felt like we could’ve been something – 2008 & 2012. I was wrong. I’m very Koothrapali in the sense that – like a girl – once my heart yearns after someone, I start to play with the idea of the future. Vacations, Christmases and the like. I worked through my hangups and had a girl. And lost a girl. And hated December ever since. And while The Boy was a long shot, it was a beautiful long shot. Part of the circle, loved by all, flawed as humans go… and he looked better in real life.

I did what I believed was the right thing. After years of praying and denying and shaking my head vigorously [‘cause that helps]… and flirting and wondering, I decided to figure this out. I let go of the girls in my life. Given my capacity to make girls cry, I figured it was best to let them all go so I can figure out The Boy. Why have more angry women in the world. 
So… I guess homosexuality IS a choice huh fellow theists? Well, well done you.

And let’s get this clear: once and for all: when a guy falls for a guy, it’s pretty much the same issues. Quit thinking it’s all about penis. Stop that nonsense. It’s not about two boys wearing girls’ clothes. Stop that nonsense too. And in the same way, I can see 1200 girls and love/pursue/be involved with one… ... alright, just saying.

“If you need space to brood…”

It’s funny. It’s funny to be theist. It’s funny to be theist and be loving both girls and boys. It’s funny that when you press SEND, you wonder if you’ve burned down your whole Theism. Is this the point where I die? Forfeiting some idea of “destiny” for the possibility of this boy? But again, I did this simply to clear my mental space, right?

There was a brief 30/32 second period where I was like, “what the frak, I’m a prize!” [humor] but I got over it. I buried the feelings. Like I buried the anger with my father and with Theists and with politicians and with people. I buried the disappointment of missing The Girl, I’d surely bury the notion of The Boy. Hey, I don’t brood.

“If you need space to brood…”

No, I don't need space :-)

There is an intelligence and maturity to him you know. I don't think he sees it. I pray he does. I pray he be guided to light and truth to see how incredible he could be.

Still, here’s to yesterday.

Here’s to Maria Regina Prep – the place I wanted my kids [with The Girl] to go.

Here’s to Law School – that I let go last year to remodel the kitchen [contractors have a special place in hell, trust me]

Here’s to the idea of grocery shopping and laying around discussing world affairs.

Here’s to hands that will never clasp and to Sunday evenings wasting down my credit.

Here’s to trying to find an agreeable middle between philosophies.

Here’s to chuckling. Here’s to life.

It’s funny that I have to begin again. Old ipod: dead; Old job: resigned; Old phone: on the fritz; Old ideas of love: gone. I need time to mourn the loss of an idea.

That’s the problem isn’t it: we bury and move on but how often do we take the time out to mourn?

Pax.