Me Tarzan. You Shrugs

Life is random. Except it is not. It is a finely crafted, beautifully thought out and written plan in the mind and books of Our Creator. Except, i don't know.

I hate that phrase: 'i don't know'. I hate that ambiguity. i hate PROVIDING that ambiguity to others. I'm a theist, a God-boy [picture that as a costume]. More than that, i'm bright. I don't know feels like a cop-out of gargantuan proportions. Not when you use words like gargantuan in your daily speak.

But i don't know. I don't know because maybe life is random. On the surface [see, there's my spirit pushing against the 'i don't knows']. I don't know about true love because i just wanted love. The ability to wrap my arms around someone who was mine, no matter the costs - that is what i know.

I don't know the full extent of finding a good place in this universe because most days, i don't know where i stand. I live in the shadow of death; this pondering when/where/how my end will be. Which means i should be doing more, but i don't know. Maybe i should have more JESUS stickers all over my shirts but I don't know. Besides, i live outside the church; i have a fair estimate of what people need sometimes and it's not religion, it's a beer. and a voice that says, i don't know. I should say, let me take you to the one who knows... but can i just say, i don't know.

I know i love you. I know i love to see you ascend. I know my words are just gnarly bits on an exposed wound. i know. possibly, it's the salve and i don't know it yet. i don't know. .... i don't know. and maybe that's the best place to be. some grand unknown that says, "i feel what you say because i have been there but you don't need to hear that i've had that, you just need to know that i'm around. even if i don't know. yet"

as i told someone dear to me: i will say this, this storm is here. wrap your hand around the rope and hang on. this too [whatever this is] may pass, in the meantime, let's all admit, we don't know. and move forward.

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