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Me Tarzan, You Save Me

                                        Ah, Smallville. Ah, Remy Zero! You say the best things.

"How to save the world in five (5) minutes? Die. It dawns on me that both religiously and ordinarily, when someone dies... People change. U could try to change people all you want but it's in death that they realise - he, she stood for something. And they change. Funny. Pax" 
- Text to a brother: July 20th, 2012; 6:19pm

* I used to live in fear of the phone ringing. There was a time when the phone would ring and i would wonder if this was the day that my heart would be broken? Would i hear the news that a loved one [friend/family] has died? Was it a car crash? Please God, don't let evil or sad/tragic intent be on the other end of the phone. I haven't felt that way for a while, till last Sunday. We got the call. A healthy young man - Father, Deacon, Army Dude and all round good guy dies from a heart attack. I was cold. I didn't feel anything that moment but i knew the breakdown was coming. It did. It has. It remains.

* I wait for my heart to be broken again. I wait to hear that one of my brothers, one of my dear LOVED ones have gone. I wait for the phone to ring, disturbing my sexual dreams of ice-cream to say, 'you wouldn't believe what happened.' Like the time i was online and was told that a girl in my church had just passed away. I wasn't close close with her but one of my brothers were and we all prayed for her when she got sick. I thought the worst was behind her when she came out of that coma. I was wrong. 

* I feel death around me. Not in a morbid, Final Destination bit, but truth is, people are dying ["people are dying, Alfred, what would you have me do?","Endure, Master Wayne..."]. I asked myself, just this week, if i'm REALLY getting old. For i'm noticing death all the more. the stars i grew up watching are gone; friends and loved ones of friends are up and going; in my own family, my grandmother may last a good while yet or she may leave anytime. blind, in a "home" and disappointed [i believe]. What Lord? What are you saying?

* Whenever my head hurts or my tooth acts up or a pain in my chest registers, i say to God, "i am not dying". I'm afraid to die. I hate death. I hate what it does. I have postulated several scenarios in which - should i die before i say so - i would have put in place the means to remain "open". Written statuses for my proxy to put up, videos friends should see, links they should like - things to keep me alive. I am a writer and a Theist. the concept of a life after life is real to me. what have i done about it? how have i prepared? it's bad enough that my friends don't believe in life after life but... what do i really believe? maybe i should put more Religious pictures on my [facebook] wall. quote more scripture.

* i told a friend on Friday that death should never find you full. you should be empty when you die. or - as we agreed - 70% empty. if i have written something that impact lives and causes people to turn around [maybe look up] and death finds me out, i should think that should be enough. but to have books and stories and films and documentaries and music and HOPE being buried with you, is unacceptable to me.

* which leads us to the matter at hand. when someone dies, we vow to change. some of us do change. we accept that they are gone, but more importantly, we realise - hey, if X could change the world in the short time they were here, so can i! or even - hey, look at how Y was honored, i wonder when i go, what will they say about me? this leads us down [or up?] the path of reflection [sometimes consternation] and a vow to make things different/be different. but why must we wait for someone's end to realise the reality of our own. or was Bruce [Wayne] right - people need strong examples to shake them out of apathy.

I am not the Christ. I am not a Superhero. I am not Sati or any of the like. I do not want you to wait till i am over [which will be a long, long time from now] to realise that you should be. Nor do i want to wait for another death for me to figure out that i have to get a move on. Of course, the TRULY hypocritical thing about death/thinking of death is saying you should change... and not doing it. sigh

Life is Short. Traffic is Long. Take a deep breath, put on some music and let's get something done.

Amen.
Pax.
Tracy j Hutchings

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