Saturday, February 27, 2016

Me Tarzan. You GodBoys

A few years ago, I had this plan to pursue the POSSIBILITY of a relationship with a friend. I got tired trying to figure me out and after much internal squirming... no... ABJECT TERROR, I sent [by text] a this-is-how-I-feel-about-you kind of thing. The terror of course came from different cracks in the mirror but one of them, the one I tell most often to myself and ... whoever, is that I'm a GodBoy. I know what that means.

What that means [AS a GodBoy], is that six months or a year [or several] years later, I'd remember my 'training' or get some kind of divine epiphany and realise that what I was doing was wrong and I'd [painfully] walk away. After all, Christians LOVE a good prodigal son story; still, why drag an innocent into it. Although - full disclosure - I'm more partial/sympathetic/agreeable with/to the OTHER brother in that story; the one who stayed and wondered why the hell would his father spend all his time on the little brat who wasted everything... and I'm the one who stays.

GodBoys think. well, some actually. Not that it gets them anywhere. With Faith, there is no winning. There is no prize to be had for your intelligence. There is no... understanding that logic CAN win, simply because GodBoys KNOW there is no winning against Faith. Which is not a bad thing. Faith works wonders. And on a [not] cynical level, sheep who accept that they are sheep is perfectly fine as long as they know that their Shepherd protects them. Unfortunately, there is something of a silent epidemic; no one talks about burn out; that moment when a GodBoy asks - "what is the point?" and "am I truly THAT evil that we must not FEEL secure/loved... SECURE?". you know, burn out. And you're not technically supposed to say that; it's understood. I mean, you read Biblical stories and hear of good pastors/leaders who have said to God, "enough!" but even King David got up and spoke to his soul... and wrote some psalms. so CLEARLY you're meant to do the same. After all, you are a GodBoy; you KNOW the ropes. this is the war. this is what you signed up for.

SIDE BAR: Just to be clear, "GodBoys" are a unisex term for me; you could be a girl and still a GodBoy.

So what though, IS a GodBoy? Well obviously someone who has had a relationship with God but also, maybe it's that kid who grew up in church; not "went" to church but actually GREW UP... IN CHURCH. Questioning realities, studying the meaning of things, trying to figure out what it all means... silently getting fed up of church people. These are all signs of a GodBoy [in flux].

A GodBoy hypothesizes and ponders and postulates. Okay, I do that. But in the context of "working out your own salvation", you have to ask and understand what's out there, what are you doing and WHY are you doing it. Which leads us to the moment of wanting to slap religious people six ways... no, seven ways to Sunday every time you read a post or hear something that sounds like it has no intelligence to it!

And it's not to say, you don't love God. Let's get it clear, I love my God; it's His followers that irk the high heaven out of me. The glib answers, the one-solution-for-all responses or my new personal favourite, "I don't really care."

It clicked for me recently. I've been hearing this for years but it recently registered! You'd hear Christians say, "I don't really care what you've been through, just PRAISE HIM!" And I get it, what you're saying is - "even though all seems lost/hopeless, forget about what bogs you down and give Him what is due; do like Peter and keep your eyes on Him. But also don't be like Peter and watch the tossing waves.". understood. But the glib, "I don't care" is infuriating because, guess what, I CARE. I care that my body aches and my mind often feels unsure. I care that my mother holds out for miracles and right now, I don't know. I care that I gave up one relationship, moved away from another and never pursued a third because I'm trying to BE and yet... here we are. I care.

I care that Christians don't seem to be able to walk out of their bubble to see if ANY MERIT can be had from the other's point of view. I care that some of these said Christians are more abominable in ways... look, I care.

I started to think my life was the way it is because of my arrogance [a thing God despises]. As a GodBoy, I understand the need to be humble and contrite/broken before the Lord; He is greater, you're not. But one morning, as I walked around in tears, I said to myself:
a). I will not cry anymore to give God, the devil, the universe, anyone, that satisfaction
b). humble and broken? but also, I'm "seated in heavenly places"? religion, pick one!
I chose the latter [in a way]. Now, I ponder about my decisions in life. GodBoys, a true GodBoy questions everything, searches everything... even if:
a). it leads him back to "Faith is all" and
b). even if it's painful. This life can be painful.
Painful because you read and think and postulate while the rest are happy to sing smurf's theme with a blindfold on their eyes... but this could be wrong... it could all be burnout.

Talk to your GodBoys about burn out. Ask your lights to honestly tell you how drained they are; ask them what they think their reward is for their... self flagellation of the mental sort. ....

Honestly, this isn't the GodBoy article I thought I'd write but we're everywhere, smiling and being smiled at. I think you should know.
#nomoral #justwords #pax

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