Skip to main content

Look, I Just Don't Know [right now]

i sometimes find myself at fault with my own Christianity. i wish i was more Christian. like [some of] my brothers. and sisters. this sure, unshakeable, bullish faith or belief or ... something. 


this was they can hear the word "gay" and a righteous flaming sword can come from their hands. and that's just one topic. sometimes i wish i could be like that about any number of "worldly" issues. but, call it empathy, call it understanding, call it a living reality ... whatever it is, i cannot ... will not be as bullish as they are about certain subjects. and it worries me sometimes. sometimes ... when i want to yell at them, "THIS IS NOT THE WAY YOU INFANTILE .... GRRRRR!" but then i may be the infantile one; screaming at everything; harbouring a rage that won't leave. hoping that the fire doesn't find me. it surely won't find them. .... i wish i was like them. 


i like my God. i believe in my God. His people? not so much. which is not to say that i believe in or love other people more - i don't understand half [or maybe a little less than half] of what "the world" says and does ... but i strive TO understand. what happens is that i find myself wanting to fight for a minority. any minority. and it's usually about a topic my Christians have a firm stance on and i'm like, "Well ... actually".  it's hilarious. i used to think i was meant to be a bridge. HA! The Bible itself says there's only one bridge between God and man and that's the Man, Christ Jesus. but me? i wanted to be a bridge. help the theists understand evolution; help the world understand why Christians evangelise so much. what i HAVE FOUND is that everyone annoys me and won't walk across a bridge even if someone lays down for them. they're just obstinate. bullish. you're wrong and YOU'RE. WRONG. and i wonder what it's all about. why couldn't i be like them? why AREN'T i like them? should i fast more? i should fast more. i did a week of fasting for no real reason; just lentils and bread late at night. maybe water during the day. i felt better. lost this belly too. .... i have the belly again. big, fat and ridiculously pondering why i'm not. them. .... i should fast more. "this has gone on long enough" my mind says. so i'll stop typing now. there is no moral [morale?] to this post. i just ... i just don't know. as the days march closer to eternity, i just don't know. of me. of them. of any of it. .... or maybe i just need to eat.


tracy j Hutchings. may 29th. 2022

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Me Tarzan. You Life Lessons.

                                Übermensch! Übermensch! Da-da-da-da-da-da Übermensch! --> I started reading up on Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche again. He has always fascinated me. He had two main statements that jerked me. 1). That of the Ubermensch – commonly known as the superior man or the superman and 2). The whole “death of God” concept – which even as I type this feels so… unright [I should say wrong but humor me]. It’s like incest I would think – the death of God? And not even in the supremely messianic portrayal seen every Easter, no this was more like getting rid of Him completely. With all my faults, even that seems too much. But then a friend of mine gave me a brief logic a few years ago and I could see a glimmer of a gem in a jewel box, wrapped in an oil cloth. The point was made that, Nietzsche advocated THIS-WORLD ism [not correct title but that’s how I’ll break it down]. If there was no soul, no other place to go to; if this was the only realty the
2 comments
Read more

Me Tarzan: You Thorough Examination

 "I hypothesize that the reason Perception outweighs Truth is that Truth demands a thorough examination and we all have ADHD." The Hutchings Hypothesis There is a pro-life poster I always see. It reads, “The supporters of abortion have already been born”. Now on the surface, the statement seems sound and seeing the frequency of which the statement/image/poster is used, I’d say it has even become a linchpin for the movement. That is until you examine the truth of the statement which is often overlooked: who better to support abortion than those among the living? Those who have seen the ills of unwanted pregnancies, pregnancies by abuse, the scar and shame of the woman/young girl who [to this day in some circles] is still treated like another piece of property instead of a living thinking being. Indeed, the supporters of abortion HAVE already been born and because of that, they are able to say “you should have a choice”. I bet you look at the whole thing differen
2 comments
Read more

Me Tarzan, You Save Me

                                         Ah, Smallville. Ah, Remy Zero! You say the best things. "How to save the world in five (5) minutes? Die. It dawns on me that both religiously and ordinarily, when someone dies... People change. U could try to change people all you want but it's in death that they realise - he, she stood for something. And they change. Funny. Pax"  - Text to a brother: July 20th, 2012; 6:19pm * I used to live in fear of the phone ringing. There was a time when the phone would ring and i would wonder if this was the day that my heart would be broken? Would i hear the news that a loved one [friend/family] has died? Was it a car crash? Please God, don't let evil or sad/tragic intent be on the other end of the phone. I haven't felt that way for a while, till last Sunday. We got the call. A healthy young man - Father, Deacon, Army Dude and all round good guy dies from a heart attack. I was cold. I didn't feel anything that moment bu
2 comments
Read more