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Look, I Just Don't Know [right now]

i sometimes find myself at fault with my own Christianity. i wish i was more Christian. like [some of] my brothers. and sisters. this sure, unshakeable, bullish faith or belief or ... something. 


this was they can hear the word "gay" and a righteous flaming sword can come from their hands. and that's just one topic. sometimes i wish i could be like that about any number of "worldly" issues. but, call it empathy, call it understanding, call it a living reality ... whatever it is, i cannot ... will not be as bullish as they are about certain subjects. and it worries me sometimes. sometimes ... when i want to yell at them, "THIS IS NOT THE WAY YOU INFANTILE .... GRRRRR!" but then i may be the infantile one; screaming at everything; harbouring a rage that won't leave. hoping that the fire doesn't find me. it surely won't find them. .... i wish i was like them. 


i like my God. i believe in my God. His people? not so much. which is not to say that i believe in or love other people more - i don't understand half [or maybe a little less than half] of what "the world" says and does ... but i strive TO understand. what happens is that i find myself wanting to fight for a minority. any minority. and it's usually about a topic my Christians have a firm stance on and i'm like, "Well ... actually".  it's hilarious. i used to think i was meant to be a bridge. HA! The Bible itself says there's only one bridge between God and man and that's the Man, Christ Jesus. but me? i wanted to be a bridge. help the theists understand evolution; help the world understand why Christians evangelise so much. what i HAVE FOUND is that everyone annoys me and won't walk across a bridge even if someone lays down for them. they're just obstinate. bullish. you're wrong and YOU'RE. WRONG. and i wonder what it's all about. why couldn't i be like them? why AREN'T i like them? should i fast more? i should fast more. i did a week of fasting for no real reason; just lentils and bread late at night. maybe water during the day. i felt better. lost this belly too. .... i have the belly again. big, fat and ridiculously pondering why i'm not. them. .... i should fast more. "this has gone on long enough" my mind says. so i'll stop typing now. there is no moral [morale?] to this post. i just ... i just don't know. as the days march closer to eternity, i just don't know. of me. of them. of any of it. .... or maybe i just need to eat.


tracy j Hutchings. may 29th. 2022

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